Carrying Grief for Others

My aunt passed ten days ago. We had become close in the past year. We kept up by email and phone until she got too weak to get out of bed or talk. Her death doesn't seem real to me. I missed her physical presence while I was with my family over Thanksgiving, but I couldn't feel sorrow. I feel so detached from the situation. Shouldn't I be crying or expressing some type of emotion?

While I was home for Thanksgiving, my grandmother and I talked about Kat's death (Nanny and I talk about death as easily as we talk about going to the store) and we both agree that we're glad Kat's no longer suffering from lung cancer.

Kat and I had talked several times about her coming death, and she promised to visit me in spirit. She kept her promise. I have sensed her presence several times since her body died. For three days after she passed, I smelled coffee. Strange thing is I didn't have any coffee in the house! She didn't wait until she passed to visit me in spirit. Several days prior to her death I smelled cigarette smoke around me everywhere I went. It was as strong as if someone was in the room with me smoking. I guess that's why I can't believe Kat's really gone or manufacture any grief for her. She's still alive!

But here's the catch. I grieved intensely for my grandfather when he died 20 years ago. He and my grandmother had lived next door to me for 5 years at the time. We knew for years he was dying. It was very difficult to keep from crying even months afterward Pap's death. Maybe I was less experienced and unable to talk about the "D" word then. I sensed his presence afterward, too, but it was in dreams that he visited me.

When my uncle passed in 2002 I was able to sing at his funeral and read a poem at his graveside service. Edmond had visited me in spirit prior to his death while he was in coma. As a result of his visit, I wrote a poem that actually came to me as a song. I sang it to and for him several weeks before and after his death while he was transitioning.

When a friend of mine was murdered in 2007 I cried so much that I couldn't attend his funeral because I knew I would upset everyone there. I didn't know Jerry's family. I only knew Jerry as a networking buddy, but my grief was out of control. Who needs a crying, mourning stranger around them when they are already grieving?

The same thing happened when my husband's brother-in-law died suddenly. We went to Dan's celebration of life but I was a total mess all day long. I felt embarrassed for my emotional condition because I hardly knew the guy and yet I was torn up by his loss more than anyone else there. Like a "surrogate" griever, I was expressing the grief that others were holding back.

I carried the illness of my sister-in-law's mother as she was dying of a diseased colon. Less than 12 months later, I had a tumor, a polyp, ten inches of my colon, and the connecting lymph nodes removed. Thanks to the clearing work and prayers of others, I did not have cancer.

I had an energy worker clear my electromagnetic energy field after Dan's death. I've learned to stop allowing myself to pick up and carry the grieving energy of others.

What I'm trying to say here is that it is very dangerous to carry the energy and emotions of others. Yes, we are to help bear one another's burdens, but that means helping those who are grieving and showing love and compassion while folks are still in body. I want to make sure the emotional "discharge" and emotional expression I have in any situation belongs to ME--that these are my OWN feelings and responses--not that of others.

I truly love my aunt, but it appears that I do not have any negative feelings, guilt, or grief to express about her passing. I'm enjoying her spiritual presence around me too much to cry for her.

I guess I'm the only one in my family who might say, "Hey, Kat, pull up a chair and let's have a cup of coffee!"

Hell, I may even buy her a pack of cigarettes.

Feel free to comment on this post.


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For more information, you might enjoy reading the complete book More Than Meets the Eye True Stories about Death, Dying, and Afterlife. Purchase on Amazon.com